somebody stop me

My dear, wonderful husband, father to my 4 babes, sweet talker that he is, double-dog dared me to post my weight and weight loss nightmares on this here blog.  Actually he told me I better, or it was all over.  No, really he told me I was a big chicken if I didn't.  No, really he told me that the whole world would love me if I did it.

He is a sweet talker like that.

And I have this little dream that the whole world will love me.  really.

Then, he tripple-dog dared me to post pictures too.

See, but this is the problem.  I never finish anything.  Seriously.  I have this little diary from when I was like 8.  It has a grand total of 3 entries.  Then I have this grown-up beautiful woman-journal from a few years ago and it has like 3 entries in it.  My kids baby books have like their footprints and 3 weight entries in it.  Then my baby, well, she is so neglected that she does not even have a mostly empty baby book.  I decided to stop the torture of guilt on my brain.  This is seriously just a drop in the barrel of my "unfinished" stories.

So, why would I want to go out into the world and broadcast my failure?  I think that HE thinks I will actually achieve my goals (and quit my whine-fest) if I put it ALL out there.  I am not certain that any of this is a good idea.  But, I don't like being called a chicken.  Fight'n words I tell ya!

Here is the background to this twisted story.  I never really had weight problems until after I had 3 babies in 3 years.  I was either nursing, pregnant or BOTH for a total of 4+ years.  I consumed lots of calories and it really didn't matter.  Then it stopped.  No nursing , not pregnant, bad habits remained.  The weight started on a steady incline.

I hit a low point last spring and joined weight watchers.  I lost 15 pounds.  I was half way to my goal and hit a stand-still.  I have gained some of that back and am ready to put this struggle to bed.  I am sick of thinking about it.  I am sick of not wanting to buy nice clothes because I am "going to lose this weight".  I am sick of trying to hide parts of my body and feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.  I just want it done.

Let's just go ahead and call this the BEFORE picture, okay? okay.

Here I am in all my frizzy-headed, mascara under the eye, rolled-outa-bed beauty.  My name is Rachel and today I weighed 134.  (ha ha honey, you didn't think I would do it!!)

Stay tuned to see if Rachel will reach her goal of being the hottest mama of 4 this side of Toledo Bend.  Trust me, this could get interesting...

dreams

An elderly man, in the final days of his life, is lying in bed alone.  He awakens to see a large group of people clustered around his bed.  Their faces are loving, but sad.  Confused, the old man smiles weakly and whispers, "You must be my childhood friends come to say good-bye.  I am so grafeful."  Moving closer, the tallest figure gently grasps the old man's hand and replies, "Yes, we are your best and oldest friends, but long ago you abandoned us.  For we are the unfulfilled promises of your youth.  We are the unrealized hopes, dreams and plans that you once felt deeply in your heart, but never pursued.  We are the unique talents that you never refined, the special gifts that you never discovered.  Old friend, we have not come to comfort you, but to die with you."

from "I Believe in You"

Sometimes our dreams fade, sometimes they change.  Sometimes we outgrow them.  Sometimes we need to find them, reclaim them and live them.

Inspiration

I have felt inspired by a few women during the past weeks.  This quote has really stuck with me. 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson




I have been too damn scared of my failure, past and future, to just put it ALL out there. I don't want regrets.  I hate regrets.  

untitled by vera

girls gone shopping

I debated and hesitated this morning to venture on an out-of-town shopping trip with just the 3 little girls and mommy.  They are good girls but they loooove to shop and I prefer to have daddy with us to help me make sure we are all leaving with who we came with if you know what I mean!

I decided to go for it since we really needed to use our gymbucks before they expired.

I was feeling really confident and made our first stop at toys r us.  Insane as it sounds, I had to get some Totally Toddler that I cannot live without and can't get around here anymore.  They surprised me and we were out of there in a reasonable amount of time!

We then headed to gymboree where I really pushed them to the limit of their patience (especially the 2 little sisters).  I have decided that maybe it would be best to take them on individual shopping trips that are more suited to their own patience level or just make it SHORT.  Poor girlies are exhausted but couldn't stop talking about doing a fashion show for daddy when we were on the trip home.  Here are a few of our treasures we brought home:

            

                

I feel so blessed to be mama to those three little girls.  They are so smart and sweet and I know we will have MANY more shopping days in our future!

just keepin it real

Sometimes, after being woken up by someone pinching your nose, and then feeling as if you are in a funky fog for most of the day, you may contemplate completely purging and scrubbing down your laundry room.  But then you may look again and say naa, not today.  And then when big sister gets a cup of bubbles poured on her head by the little sister in the playhouse above and she is crying while the other punks laugh hysterically, you may wonder when things are going to get better for this day.  Then you look at the calendar and it SAYS January 22 but your kitchen looks like this:

aaaand there is a half naked tree in your living room that is deader than dead you may say now THERE is the job I need to complete today.  Well, okay, lets at least work on it.  So then you may decide to put on your thinkin' cap like this

and realize that this day has not been all bad!  The teenager got an A in math today, it was a beautiful warm day with all kinds of outside play for the kiddos (hence the bubble incident) and you remember that Project Runway is on tonight!  And this...

is waiting for you after the angels are snuggled sweetly in dream land.  Sometimes a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.

p.s. gorgeous martini glasses were a gift from my sweet hubby who understands that some days just need a pink drink in a beautiful glass.  (from anthropologie)

in the beginning

I have struggled with the first post.  Like is should be some sort of major introduction but really, it is just another day here in my world.  I am doing this blog as a journal of sorts.  My life.  I am just a girl who is trying to figure it out and get it together.

Not every day is easy, not every year is easy.  But I believe with all my heart that life is good and I am grateful for every moment.  I want to make the most of these times with my kids being little and loving me so much and needing me so much.  I have dreams of things I want to accomplish with them, and for them.  As I work to become the woman I was destined to be.  this is my journey.